I Love My Wife part 1

I love my wife. This said, i find it so annoying when she blurts out suddenly in a middle of a conversation and says, "you're not the same anymore". While on the surface this statement is rather simple and straightforward, it is really loaded with meaning. Let me try to scratch the surface and see what lies beneath.

The idea of "same-ness" is not so hard to understand. People tend to build memories of good things so that they have something to look back to. This is specially true of ladies in relationships. They remember the first kiss, the first dates, the first time they made love with the guy of their dreams. They take note of the way the man moves swiftly to open doors, pull chairs, stops traffic in a "supermanly" fashion. The problem begins when in the course of the relationship, these good things become a rarity. The "then" and the "now" become glaring descriptions of the good and the bad, ideal and the actual, "fiction" and "fact". Such is the context of the "you're-not-the-same-anymore" charge.

Now the problem with this value judgment is that not enough room is alloted for change. Ladies fail to understand the fact that in any endeavor, there is a great deal of difference in approach and effort when you are yet establishing something as compared to when you are now just cultivating its growth. "best-foot-forward" efforts should be appreciated in this context. These are not sleight-of-hand tricks out to deceive an unsuspecting audience (the girl). Instead, these are sudden outbursts of extra-special energies designed to showcase what the guy has to offer. Special thrills for special times. The special time in this instance is the make or break of the courtship process. Here, relationship is being established. the courtship process is that small window of time where guys do all they can to win the girl and girls decide who wins their hearts. one need only to look at other animal species to understand that nature has decided that this should be the case. Lions fight it out with other lions to determine who is worthy of the lioness. Hyenas give their best "laugh" to prove they're worthy of their mate. However, lions do not go on fighting indefinitely with the others. They stop as soon as their relationship with the lioness is established. It would be impossible to stay in the "fighting mode" all the time. Hyenas could laugh themselves to death (literally) if this is the case for them too. The point is, there comes a time as soon as the relationship is established that different sets of motivation and behavior are developed - now, for the upkeep of the relationship.

So when ladies level this charge against us, they fail to appreciate the fact that the change is a psychological necessity. And that even while we men tend to forget the "knight-in-shining-armor" gestures, the efforts to show that we care are not lost, they are just spread out elsewhere - taking to task the challenges the relationship has just suddenly come up with. We may now forget to open doors for you, but it doesnt mean that we have stopped caring. It's just that the care may now be more clearly seen in the way we provide for the family - surely a challenge non-existent in the courtship days. It's not that we now view "opening doors" as unimportant, it's just that the effort has been diverted to other concerns. You may just have to look for our gallantry in other areas of the relationship. Yes, we are not the same anymore. But instead of seeing that as a negative change, know that it is a change necessitated by the growth in the relationship. It is a psychological necessity that allows us to focus on the "weightier" concerns without being stressed by "smaller" matters.

I just hope time comes that when my wife says, " you're not the same anymore" she actually would go on and add, "... and I love it!".

...to be continued